Inspiring or Narcissistic?

It would easy for me to invite you down the rabbit hole of current common human behaviors. I could dive into the Pros and Cons of various behaviors, social media pitfalls, and this seemingly familiar obsession with greatness and fame. But who am I to judge the world around me or point fingers? In fact, isn’t there a well-known quote about when you point your finger at others, there are actually 3 of your fingers pointing back at you? So, perhaps that is the vulnerable and raw space to lead with during this blog. Confessing on myself. Let’s do that. Maybe someone reading this can relate. Here we go….

Oh boy did I chase greatness. I just KNEW I’d be famous one day. For sure. (Enter eyeroll here.) As a child I was enrolled in every dance class you could think of and was immediately addicted to the attention that followed. The hard work of practice, rehearsals, and classes was not what I was in love with. It was the APPLAUSE that came with every recital. I absolutely cherished hearing how phenomenal of a dancer I was or that I was a “natural performer.” After a while, I started to NEED those compliments. Or shall I say, I needed the reassurance and validation. It didn’t end there. In my 20’s, I began teaching dance-fitness classes and was severally hooked on the community recognition and praise. By my 30’s, I shifted gears and grew beyond just physical exercise, discovering the benefits of overall Wellness by incorporating aspects like meditation and energy healing. My “humanitarian work” continued. (Yes, I am making fun of myself and sprinkling in a little sarcasm. Hey, we gotta laugh at ourselves sometimes!) I spent my free time leading Sisterhood Circles, Drum Circles, and Vlogging about Spirituality, love, life, and the keys to happiness. What a crock! Not the topics, but rather my intent. See, all my involvement with community was not just about helping the community, but more about helping myself feel better about who I was or was not.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a heart unmeasurable and truly did want to help others. HOWEVER, I confess that was not the main driving force during those 2-decades. Inspiring others was more like, a bonus. A cherry on top of my self-absorbed Sundae. My REAL motivation was to constantly hear how “inspiring” I was from others. During those times, I had several social media applications being used to the fullest. I shared, posted, and bragged daily. I CRAVED attention. Instead of taking a photo of a beautiful sunrise and matching it with a high-and-mighty quote, I should have just been brutally transparent, and titled that post with,

“Hey everyone, stop scrolling and look at me! Can you be jealous of me for just a quick second? I need to know that I am somehow doing better in life than others. Someone, anyone, just comment below about how me living my #bestlife has somehow made yours better or at least, made you want to be more like me. Can everyone on my news feed fill my voids and insecurities, please? Thanks. We will do this again tomorrow, too.”

Was that slightly uncomfortable to read? What do the kids say now, that it’s called “cringe”? (LOL) Yup. But that’s what authentic soul searching actually looks like. It’s kinda gross but extremely freeing. Either way, it’s honest. My social media accounts, Podcasts, and many of my community events were fake, forced, and desperate.

Our world has been blessed with men and women that have indisputably inspired us all and changed the course of society for the better. Mother Tersa, Martin Luther King Jr, Nelson Mandela, Albert Einstein, etc. Shall I go on? It would be my gut instinct to be bold enough to type here that I believe those incredible human beings of vast greatness and leadership did NOT follow through with their life’s mission for claps. Their lives were of unconditional service and unimaginable sacrifice for the greater good of humanity. They embodied a way of being that I cannot relate to in any way whatsoever.

Today, I am 40-years old, and I am not the smartest, fastest, or best at anything. Other than a small, quiet, and infrequently used YouTube channel, I have zero social media. I blog on Medium because I truly love to write. It’s one of my favorite hobbies and dare I say, a massive therapeutic tool. My life is simple, minimalistic in various ways, and well, perhaps even a bit boring. But what if there is nothing wrong with that? Can just existing be enough? Is it okay to be average? What would it look like to just…be me, without trying to prove to myself or others that I am something spectacular? I decided to stop making my ordinary life, wrong and released the pressure and guilt of not being the next Guru. Maybe just staying grounded and kind can do more vibrationally for us all than I have been currently allowing myself to believe.

If anyone can relate to what I just embarrassingly shared, here’s my unasked-for advice: Let yourself off the hook. You no longer have to chase, create, or pretend. Just exhale and surrender. Go watch that sunrise this week and don’t take a photo of it. Don’t post. Just connect to self and to nature. You’d be surprised by the freedom.

…And you what else? I would bet, some of the best moments you did end up inspiring or helping another, you may not even ever know about it.