Becoming A Safe Space for Self and Others
If you are constantly hearing other people’s opinions about who you are, who you are not, who you should be, who you need to be, or who you are expected to be, it can easily leave you with various forms of chronic anxiety, people pleasing tendencies, or the ever-nagging inner conflict between desperately trying to satisfy the world vs. throwing up a middle finger and shutting down, while shutting everyone else out. How do we overcome the criticisms from dysfunctional family members, narcissistic mentors, or past “frenemy” relationships?
I’ve been told my entire life that I’m, “too much.” People would say that I talk too much, or that I am too weird, too annoying, or have too much energy. There have been some life chapters where I was told I was too fat and other life chapters where I was told I was too skinny. Ironically, I have also been told that I am not enough; Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not committed enough, and overall, just not good enough for that friend, that romantic relationship, that school, or that job. (I still do not understand the bizarre balance society is seeking from us where we are all expected to stand tall somewhere between “too much” and “not enough.” But I digress.) Fortunately, I have slowly become less and less bothered by any of it. In fact, those that throw harsh judgements have become my greatest teachers and inevitably taught me exactly what to STOP doing to myself and others.
Becoming a safe space for anyone you cross paths with is what happens after you learn how to combat judgement. For me, I had to learn how to stop judging myself, FIRST, before being able to stop judging others. In the past, I truly believed I was being super helpful by pointing out the list of things someone else did that was “wrong.” Years ago, if someone chose to trust me with their troubles, they were met with criticisms and a whole lot of, “You know what you should do…” disguised as friendly advice. Upon reflection, there wasn’t anything friendly about it. (Yes, dispensing words of wisdom can be a gift, but only when you are truly tapped into your Higher Self can those nuggets actually end up being inspiring and helpful.) Was I honestly listening or just waiting for my turn to speak? Was I genuinely holding space for another person to vent or was I standing there secretly collecting judgements about their current struggle? These were some difficult questions I had to ask myself and the answers were uncomfortable!
The more self-aware I grew, the more adjustments I made. I began by inviting my brain to slow way down. I would find moments during the day where I would invite my brain to take a break. Our brains do not need stay in a permeant problem solving mode, 24/7. I challenged myself to trust the process of whatever was unfolding as I believe that a lot of what I have experienced thus far during my life, even the crappy things, are things my Soul signed up for before diving down to Earth. It was in the depths of those traumas, crying on the bathroom floor, that I had some of my greatest AH-HA moments yet! My spirit continues to evolve, and my consciousness continues to expand. Each time I was able to master my own self, my environment, and whatever current terrible situation was happening, I grew. All experiences, good and bad, aided in who I have become today. There were many occurrences where others tried to intervene and “fix” me, but I wasn’t ready or coachable. So, their words fell on my closed ears and any help they offered ended up being for nothing because I would jump right back into the mess. It’s as if my Soul KNEW it needed to climb out that problem, solo. I was doing my own Spiritual homework. THAT WAS THE LESSON; Stop expecting others to do your inner work for you and stop trying to do other people’s inner work for them. Certainly, I do not discredit good advice, a helping hand, or strong leadership from positive mentors and/or supportive relationships. I just believe there is a difference between gaining inspiration from others vs. letting everyone around you solve your problems for you.
It is OKAY to have an imperfect path. When you say, “I am a messy human and it’s okay!” you let yourself off the hook as well as others. Taking accountability for your own problems, while refusing the urge to judge and criticize yourself for how you got into that mess in the first place is the first step to creating a safe space for others. You start with creating a safe space for YOURSELF. We can all choose to reflect on our choices and decide to start making new ones without taking ourselves down the shame-spiral. I began practicing exactly that. I started paying attention to my thoughts and my own inner critic. I finally gave myself some grace. And let me tell you, holding space without judgements for others was surprisingly easy once I started doing it for myself, first.
Today, when friends confide in me, I speak as little as possible. I do nothing but LISTEN. Holding space for someone without indulging in ANY opinions about their situation is the greatest gift you can offer them. I released desires to be a hero. I finally understand that majority of the time, there is no need to fix, change, or solve anything because everything is exactly as it’s supposed to be. Yup, even the contrast! We are allowed to not have it all figured out. In fact, we aren’t supposed to. Next time you’re having a rough day, speak to yourself gently. Be an observer. We can recognize changes we need to make, without verbally abusing ourselves first. Apply the same level of compassion and kindness for others next time someone needs to vent, cry, and scream. Hold a safe space for them. The ego WANTS so badly to judge, criticize, or “save the day.” Don’t. Just listen. I promise, all any of us really want is to know that we are not alone in this wild, wild world.
