5 SOCIAL Behaviors I’ve STOPPED Doing
Friendship, like all relationships, can get a little tricky. Over the decades, it became difficult not to take notice to what wasn’t working for me, socially. I had to get a bit uncomfortable with my own self-reflection and take serious ownership in the areas of failed friendship where I was accountable. About 5-years ago is when I truly began to slow down and take a hard look at my own behaviors. About 2-years ago, I activated new ways of being. And within these past 18-months, I have totally fine-tuned and conquered healthier social pathways. Here is my personal “Top 5” list of social behaviors that I put to rest, permanently.
1)GIVING UNSOLICITED ADVICE
Majority of the time when someone is sharing from the heart, they are typically looking for a shoulder to lean on and a safe space to feel supported. I used to interpret a venting session as an invitation to problem solve. It isn’t. We are not responsible to “fix” other people’s problems. And you know what? 99.9% of the time, nobody is expecting you to do so. I have learned the hard way that dispensing advice without being asked can accidently cause a riff in friendship. One can appear as a “know-it-all” or “judgey” as you dive into what that friend “should” be doing or not doing. In fact, I removed “should” from my daily vocabulary.
Today, I simply just hold space. I listen. If someone is asking my specific opinion, I will gently dispense. However, those moments are rare. People just want to feel seen, heard, supported, and loved. So that is exactly what I do.
2)MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT ME
Yikes. Back in my 20’s (and even a little into my early 30’s!) I was hands down one of the most self-absorbed people you could fathom. I would carry on a conversation without ever realizing that I hadn’t taken a breath or even asked how the other person was doing. My “conversations” were basically a LIVE Podcast. I didn’t shut up and the topic was always me, me, me!
Today, I allow 70% of any conversation to be led directly by the other person. I prefer to listen and thoroughly enjoy what I can actually learn about another. Staying mindful about interrupting and asking open ended questions with those who choose to share with us can bring a deep level of connection. Within the last couple years, I feel as if I have embarked on this beautiful journey that involves being educated on the world around me. YES, tell me about YOU! I am sincerely interested.
3)GETTING “FOMO” OFFENDED
It was as if my brain couldn’t comprehend that my friends had other friends. In the past, if I wasn’t invited to a specific event, I was immediately “offended” and felt left out. I would indulge down a rabbit hole of fear….the fear of missing out! (“FOMO”) Or Heaven forbid if I invited someone but they weren’t able to attend or had to bail last minute. I called it getting, “Butt-Hurt.” As if even in that moment of fleeting anger, I knew my hurt feelings were a tad ridiculous and I was being oversensitive. People are allowed to change their mind about plans, make new plans, or cancel plans.
Today, I enjoy those that show up when they are able and send love to those that cannot make it. I trust the Ebb & Flow and the ways of the Universe, 100%. On the river of friendship, I have finally learned to kick my feet up and float. That metaphoric social current has never let me down yet! Each passing day, those that I am aligned with, will be there. We are not meant to connect with everyone we love, every single day. That would be overwhelming! Letting people come and go with no attachment to an outcome has gifted me a freedom I didn’t even believe was available. It lets BOTH parties, totally off the hook.
4)SETTING EXPECTATIONS AND/OR CREATING OBLIGATIONS
My subtle child-like perspectives on how I see the world would often have me believing everyone I cross paths with was about to be my new best friend. The reality is that is just not feasible. People come and go, organically. Demanding that someone become a permanent staple in your life, overnight, is toxic to say the least. Yet, I used to do that! And oh, did I mention the tremendous amounts of attention I needed? Phone calls, hang outs, text messages, etc. Without even realizing it, I would place extreme expectations and obligations in our space, clouding it.
LET GO. Let everyone be who they are, let them show up when they can, and let them breeze in and/or out of your life as they see fit. Today I know that even if the friendship has become quiet or less active, it doesn’t mean we are no longer friends. I am lucky to have friends that live in various states around the US. With some friends, we can go months or even years without consistant contact. And that is perfectly okay! Perhaps true connection isn’t an action, but a feeling. How we hold that person in our mind and in our heart.
5)SH*T TALKING
Allowing one friend to speak negatively about another friend is a thing of the way WAY past. In a group of gal pals, if the one person that is missing turns out to be the topic of conversation, YOU ARE SITTING AT THE WRONG TABLE. I am huge into female empowerment and sisterhood. Our job is to help LOVE, not help DIVIDE. Sadly, women speaking ill about other women is too common. I have become quite comfortable guiding the conversation in another direction and/or gently saying that I do not wish to participate in that conversation.
“Hey girl, I am just not comfortable chatting about this. She’s our friend. But I invite you to speak to her directly about your feelings. I betcha you two can easily patch that up together.”
It can be that simple. Although today I am proud to announce that I have finally found my Tribe and nobody…and I mean NOBODY… within our circle is guilty of speaking negativity about one another. (Our community “LOVE GROUP” will most definitely need to be a blog real soon!) But now I am getting ahead of myself. (((wink)))
xoxo
Hope this list was helpful for anyone who may desire a splash of old-gal stoner wisdom!
